I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
