you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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