You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
