Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
