watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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