we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
