You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Randomize
