Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
worst night to have a conscience
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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