Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
