If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
