Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
