I can text with my tongue
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
