i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
