why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
