my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
