the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
