if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
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