you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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