If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
