Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
