I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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