If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
