You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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