My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Randomize
