I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
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