i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
