i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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