Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.