mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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