someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
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what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
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You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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