ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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