hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
