She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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