dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
