in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Randomize
