"it" just moved
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize