I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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