I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
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