First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
