How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Randomize
