I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
