birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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