that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
