wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
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I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
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Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize