Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
