It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
