He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
