yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
