So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
