my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I'm like, not good at living.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
