1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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