I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Let's paint friendship bongs
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
