It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Randomize
