nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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