the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
