Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
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my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
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We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
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