Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
