when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i love accidental penises.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
