my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
