just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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