I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
