he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
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