he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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