we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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