Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
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i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
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screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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