i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
