my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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